Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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