just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
