I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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