I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
its liver damage thursday
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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