This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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