Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
