Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
