I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
