i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
