I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
