I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
