I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
