I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
