I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
