So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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