So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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