Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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