It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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