Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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