i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
false alarm. still invincible.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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