Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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