Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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