did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
