I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
