some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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