My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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