he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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