I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
