I wanna bring you to show and tell
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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