you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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