he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
