I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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