Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Success! We fucked roommates!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
