i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
