sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
