I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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