OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
