my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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