im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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