I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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