lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
