i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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