Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
