I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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