Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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