when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
