I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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