Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
