life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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