my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
