I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
